Member of Parliament and Secretary of State for Injustice, Michael Gove has stunned the nation this morning with the revelation that he is to quit Politics and apply for a job with the local Council picking up litter and possibly, if things go to plan longer term, sweeping the streets.
Gove explained this shocking turn of events by saying, ‘I liked Politics and really tried to do well when my friend David gave me a nice job running the schools. But most of the teachers hated me. Some of them produced a video calling me a complete Jeremy Hunt which at the time I thought was a compliment but I recently discovered was some kind of clever word-play to do with part of a lady’s body. It made me sad.’
One of Gove’s most loyal supporters in his Surrey Heath constituency, Mrs Shmallerie Right said, ‘We all believed in Michael. From the very earliest days we all thought he was destined for great things. When the EU referendum was called last week we thought he could be the nation’s champion. But it seems he has just lost his self-belief. I am going out shopping later as we have had a whip-round and I am going to buy him a pointy stick which I am having engraved with the words ‘With Thanks from the People of Surrey Heath’. He will love it I am sure. And it will remind him of all of us as he clears up the mess that everyone else makes.’
The Guardian newspaper broke the story yesterday with a shock article and with photographic evidence of Gove and London Mayor Boris Johnson out in a park somewhere picking up litter. Johnson explained, “We Oxford Etonian boys aren’t quite the brutal Bullingdon boys that we are sometimes made out to be. We do use the plebs for our own purposes but we also makes sure they have something to do after we have used them up. Thats why I am out with Michael helping him adjust to his new life. He thinks he is working for the Queen but actually I just told him that to make him feel better and if it keeps me away from campaigning for this dreadful EU thingy then all to the good. Off to play Wiff-Waff later with some chums!'
Gove went on to plead his case by explaining, ‘When I was at University I met lots of posh boys and they were all really nice to me - made me feel special. But really I am just a wee boy from the Highlands. I should never have been doing the things I have been doing for the last few years. They are better than me. I will just do my bit clearing up the mess. I used to pick up their champagne bottles after their parties so it will be just like that again.’
Another of Gove’s most loyal supporters a Mr Ken Bunn, who spent many years in prison following a horrific childhood incident, said, ‘I am devastated that Michael is leaving Politics. We thought that perhaps finally with Michael’s job at the Ministry of Justice there was a chance that offenders leaving prison would have a chance of a worthwhile life. But instead us ex-offenders will probably see him out on the streets with us sweeping. That is until one of our number loses the plot and bashes a granny with a broom n nicks her handbag - then we will be back to the home comforts of HMP in no time’.
Gove’s wife the celebrated Daily Mail columnist Sarah Vine is similarly stunned. She has spent the last few years valiantly and increasingly successfully attempting to let the nation into her home and her life to see the true Michael Gove. As she puts it, ‘If a nerdy looking fella like Chris Evans can achieve mass popularity then why shouldn’t Michael. He is not even ginger!’
Sarah Vine went on to reveal, ‘I do love Michael. But this morning he brought me a cup of Cocoa in bed with a little present. When I opened it I saw it was my very own high-vis jacket. He smiled at me so sweetly and suggested we go out shopping for a shawl and knitting needles for me and a pipe and slippers for him later. He also bought me a house plant and said he would try my quiche this evening - I nearly cried. I don’t know how to tell him I just don’t want this life.’
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